don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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