Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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