Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
