I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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