what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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