I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
