I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
