I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
