What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
