Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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