I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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