I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
