phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
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He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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