Have you finally orgasmed yet?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
