doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
