Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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