I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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