All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
