if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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