Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
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then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
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Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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