she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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