Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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