somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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