Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
