its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
