So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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