is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
