tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
