Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
we're so committed to being not committed
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
