he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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