When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
