im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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