In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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