dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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