babies were throwing up all over the place
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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