If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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