I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
