I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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