There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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