your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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