I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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