are you so shy because you have an std?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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