I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
