so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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