I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
