I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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