I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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