Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
