i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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