More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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