turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
