Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize