i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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