she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
